Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm maimed and intend to stay that way.

Oswald Chambers has an interesting interpretation of Jesus’ “If your hand causes you to sin cut it off.” He points out that it refers not only to your physical hand but more generally to “good” things in life. The hand is definitely a good thing. And yet if we cannot live a pure life with it intact, we must remove it from our lives.

This applies to nearly anything. Things and people who cause us to stumble in our walk must be removed to a distance where they cannot trip us up. This can lead to some peculiar situations and ones that make a person or a group of people seem legalistic, when, in fact, they have removed the offensive action, behavior, or limb only because of their own weakness.

In the south, people make fun of Baptists who traditionally are against drinking, and dancing, especially dancing. Why Dancing? Because dancing leads to sex. I know what you’re thinking. This seems extreme and is thus funny. But it’s actually based strongly in truth. Dancing is inherently a couple’s activity and leads to increased intimacy. Naturally this increased intimacy leads to a stronger likelihood of sexual interaction. The early Baptists limited dancing, not because it was inherently wrong or evil, but because it was a frailty they saw in themselves. It was better to eliminate the good thing then risk the bad result.

I have similar things in my life. Not dancing. I don’t dance because I move like and ogre with a groin pull. No I am speaking of things that were wonderful in their time but which I have had to severely limit: Playing Music, Playing Computer Games, and Eating Pizza. Each of these things has negative effects on me and so I have had to either cut them entirely out of my life or limit them severely. They aren’t bad. I don’t judge others who do them. Sometimes I envy those others. But they do not belong in my life.

My first love was playing music. I chose to play the tuba myself. I taught myself. I was successful and enjoyed it immensely. I can honestly say that I have from time to time felt that playing was better than sex. I have started and walked away from music twice in my life: once in high school and again in college. Each time, I found that it was an obsession that took more than it gave. After college I tried to play casually, but I just can’t do it. The cost is too high. The desire to chase an empty dream is too strong. Proverbs says that only a fool chases dreams. My Tuba lies unused and untouched in our spare room. I’m hoping that when we are all made new, perhaps God will see fit to let me play music for a few thousand years, but for now I have given up that dream.

I have been playing computer games since I was 12. They are, again, something I obsess about. I can easily sit and play a game for 10 or 12 hours straight. When my wife first met me, I had a house full of clocks with alarms to help me remember time was passing. I would lose myself in the games. How many days of my life have been lost playing computer games? I do not know. How many days have I drug my tired body through because I was exhausted from an all night gaming session? I cannot count them. It’s called sloth and it must go. I also discount real people for the game and that’s just not acceptable. This one is a little easier for me, because I don’t love computer games the way I do music. I’ve been able to back off and keep them in my life, but I now play them only occasionally and usually then as a family activity.

Finally, there is Pizza. It has been a staple food in my life. Indeed, at my funeral I think that Pizza and Chili should be served. Surely, at least 50 percent of my body is pizza and pizza sauce flows in my veins. The problem is I lose control. I just love the flavor, the taste, and the texture. It has to go. Now, I eat it when people serve it, but I no longer order Pizza for myself. I’m trying to end gluttony in my life, and Pizza is a stumbling block.

These are things I’ve cut off in my life. Good things but things that make me sin. It also reminds me that those who live a purer life are not judging me. Often times they are not stronger than me. They may in fact be weaker, but need strong boundaries to keep themselves from falling.

I’m maimed. I’ve cut off things I loved. I’ve amputated pieces of my life. But by pruning myself like this, I’ve allowed the other parts of my soul to grow.