Fundamental Differences

There are times when the fundamental differences between men and women rear their heads. What follows is a story of one of those times.

Five of us sat together at a round table in a restaurant. My infant son was surrounded by my wife and mother while my father and I sat next to each other on the far side. We had just ordered dinner and were settling in for a wait.

My son can be a bit of a clown and a flirt, and today he was going all out for the ladies. He was throwing his head back and forth in his best head banger impression. After hammering for a while, he would stop to watch the women’s reaction. Smiles and little claps induced him to greater and greater efforts. My mom even did a little head bang herself which made him giggle. My father and I looked at each other, eyes rolling. The little fellow was messing with one of the universal laws of guydom: Showing out for women generally has one result, pain.

Sure enough, it happened. My son threw his head extra far back, chin pointing to the roof. He accelerated forward and slammed his forehead into the table with a smack, a loud, wood wounding sound that resonated throughout the restaurant. In that instant the universe split. Masculine and feminine perspectives came into such dire conflict that they stood out for all to see, like lightening in the night sky.

The ladies seemed to be in a coordinated dance as near simultaneous gasps were accompanied by a synchronized turn toward the little one. Faces knitted with concern. Murmurs of comfort and gentle hands surrounded his head and back depositing kisses to draw away the sting. My son sat in that haze of sympathy and comfort. His eyes welled with tears.

On the other side of the table the men had a very different and yet similarly synchronized reaction. Hands raised and fingers pointed with military precision. Eyebrows popped up in surprise. Mouths opened and out came torrents of laughter accompanied by knee and table slapping. No sympathy was here, only the common humor of men who laugh at their friends when they bring misery upon themselves permeated this side of the table. If the boy had not been so intent on the girls attention, he wouldn’t have wacked his head. He had received his just reward and that reward was to be laughed at by other men.

It is one of those fundamental differences in men and women, I think. For instance, women have “frenemies”, a concept so unnatural to men that we simply attribute it to that brand of feminine mystery that we choose not to explore. Men laugh at each other’s stupidity, and most women don’t understand that either.

Why do we laugh? Men appreciate strength. If we are mature we don’t care for blind, stupid, macho strength. We do, however, appreciate calm, powerful, masculine leadership. Why do we laugh? We laugh because we have all been there. We laugh because by laughing we let those in pain know that it’s not serious enough for them to worry about; they will survive. We laugh because they knew better, or at least they do now. For men, pain is sometimes the only road to wisdom.

The brotherhood of men is a funny thing. As we get older we understand when the pain is beyond normal enduring. True brothers, those who have matured, will stand beside a truly hurt man quietly enduring the pain with him. They will enfold him in prayer. God help any poor demon that tries to break through that covering of calm, powerful, masculine leadership. However, those same men will laugh at you when you deserve it and when you need it. The ultimate lesson is when you learn to laugh at yourself. When you can reach back and bring up that pain, turn it on its head, and lead others in laughter, you are teaching. In the shared pain and laughter we learn and we grow, and thus wisdom is passed on.

I thank God for the women in my life who comfort us when we fail and for the men in my life who laugh at me when I deserve it.